growing up or getting boring

when leaving work, i need to be more conscious of the fact that my coworkers are leaving at the same time… like, i forget that we all get stuck at the awful, endless light at a nearby intersection and sometimes i’ll be like, i dunno, appearing to have what could be mistaken for a finger in my nose, or (like yesterday), start honking and screaming because someone is holding up the left turn arrow… only to realize it’s my boss… yesterday it was especially important to make the light because I had been driving with my gas tank on empty for way, waaay too long and desperately needed to find a gas station. after yelling at my fellow carpoolers, nearly getting in several accidents, and backtracking to avoid congestion, i pulled into a Marathon and filled up my tank with record-setting numbers (gallons-wise, not price-wise). glad to be right about how close i was to having run out of gas, i lightened the fuck up. S. was joking with me about how driving around on empty was probably the highlight of my day because it got my adrenaline going.

what’s funny and not funny about her comment is how true it is. i don’t really feel comfortable broadcasting on the internet what would have qualified as the highlight of my day a year ago…suffice to say it would probably have involved some combination of illegal activity in a bar bathroom …whereas yesterday, it was a toss up between the car ride and the chicken salad i had made from my first perfectly timed dinner (meaning everything was completed at THE SAME TIME, at the RIGHT TEMPERATURE)leftovers from the night before. i’ve found myself having moments like this frequently- smoking cigarettes discussing health insurance plans on a Saturday night with my old trouble-making sidekick L, pictures from lowkey hangouts replacing hipster party photoblogs, relaxing vacations instead of insane italian adventures, euchre/bucktown pub trivia as my big night out for the week… some days it feels so good to give out my business card, or to run into some crusty, holiday-named babe at the grocery store who sort of dissed me and tell him about my 9-5 job… others, i wake up crying and terrified, or send myspace messages to a friend and lowlife bon vivant that read like this:

“i was putting company stickers on black glossy folders, careful not to make fingerprints and thinking, who might get this? and i thought of you.

i never thought i'd spend so much time watching canada geese with a soundtrack of humming fluorescent lights. i'm not sure if i'm doing everything wrong or just growing up, do you know what i mean? i miss things like waking up and drinking whisky, drawing pictures with a pencil between my toes, but you can't do that forever? can you?"

i really do love euchre, and a lot of other aspects of my life right now... it's just...not how i envisioned myself as when i was the mildly jaded, just graduated from college, moving to the (sort of) big(ger) city person i was at 21, imagining the 25 year-old i would be.

-esm